Let it go

Sometimes even when you think you pride yourself on having a lot of words to say, somebody says something so much better than you ever could. I hope these are words that you can start your 2008 with. I will. I do. This is thanks to David Pack and JJ Kay.



You’ve got the weight of your worries
Adding up almost faster than one heart can take
It feels like one more tear and you’ll be outa here
Your heavy heart’s going to break
You’ve gotta get yourself free
You’ve gotta listen to me
You know enough is enough
Though you feel you’re going down
you’ve got to turn it around
but it ain’t so tough

Learn to forgive
if you don’t let go then you can’t live
Let there be love
There’s a better way
If you rise above

That’s the secret of moving on
Of doing it right
The secret of moving on:
Is traveling light

Did you ever stop to think of the baggage we carry around every day
Multiplied by the weight of the words we hold back inside we just can’t say
Say that it’s too hard
You’ve come too far
After all these years
Learn to forgive
If you don’t let go
Then you can’t live

That’s the secret of moving on
Of doing it right
The secret of moving on:
Is traveling light

NASCAR memories

California Speedway Sept. 2, 2007, Sharp/Aquos500

Living so close to Fontana, I was able to buy my ticket at noon, come back about four, then start my long walk to my seat through the many food booths, noticing the smells, the faces, the mist being piped in to help cool the 100+ degree late afternoon. At my seat with peanuts and a beer I have a few minutes to admire the San Bernardino mountain backdrop, the cloud cover that promises some relief, the hot sun at our backs.

The introductory laps begin. The national anthem plays and a flyover by 2 F-17s bring a collective hush then an explosion of approval. There are 3 pace laps in a tight group then the cars are let go and they spread out a little putting their foot deep into the throttle. The sound intensifies. The first time by at speed, still in a tight bunch, 40 cars go by at almost 200 mph, the engines deep and roaring. It takes a moment for all to pass, the sound is like thunder, but metallic as it is caught by our bleachers. Then they’re by and what follows is the smell of burnt high octane fuel and rubber. It takes a count of about 38 seconds for the lead rider to return from a 2 mile circuit. Now they’re a little more spread out and jockeying for position. Close together, end to end, side by side, then spread out again.

The crowd roars their approval at every pass. It’s impossible to communicate when the pack is going by. When the cars have passed people turn to their neighbors to compare thoughts.

The experience invokes your every sense, all encompassing, filling the very space you occupy. The roar in the ears, the vibration you can feel in the seats and in the air itself. The rush of wind disturbed from the speed at such close proximity. The smell of fuel and rubber. The greasiness you feel on your skin. I feel the flush of excitement from the thrill of power and speed that reddens my cheeks and speeds up my heart rate. Craning my neck, standing up to catch a glimpse of the car that goes by, was that the # on the side, the color of the car of the driver from your home town? From the left I can hear the sound approach, roar by, and depart and it feels like rolling thunder. I look to the right and can see the flame out of after burn as they go into turn one. I can hear the engine noise change in perfect unison when a yellow flag signals a subsequent slow down. I can see inside a passenger window and note the roll cage and safety gear and realize this is not just a machine, but also a person. He’s at work today and working hard at what he does.

I watch for a while, then leave before it’s over, before 85,000 other people rise and walk toward their cars. The high whine of my motorcycle ride home doesn’t dampen the memory of the deep roaring engines that still echoes in my ears.

And then there were none.

My adventure with the golden retrievers is now complete, a few happy stories, a few sad ones. Lessons learned. Lessons yet understood. Without them here it’s almost as if they were never here, and yet my life will never be the same because they were. Their presence will never go away.

I want to say more and I will, it’s just as I sit here to write, I am thumbing through a photo album of mental snapshots and overcome with memories and emotions and it’s hard to write through the tears. I am happy. I am sad. I am remorseful. I am grateful. I’m a wiser. I am poorer. I am stronger. Where to start? How can I begin to tell the story when each one of these feelings is a story of itself and deserves a page, a chapter a book full of words to do it justice?

It’s hard to believe that all of this transpired in 3 months. I’ve lived a lifetime through it all. I have been forever changed. The dogs lives have too, and it’s another chapter and a half for me to decide if it was all for the better or worse. I don’t want to judge, I’m trying not to. What’s been started on my part is done. Now four families’ lives will also be forever changed. Maybe that’s why I was a party to this sequence of events, it may have farther reaching consequences than I’ll ever see or know. I’ll always hope so.

Awakening

Does an animal hear you ooching around in the morning in the last moments between sleep and awakening? Or is it just “that time”, the unspoken clock that you have created because it’s usually the same every morning. Whatever the trigger, there is something so endearing about being greeted by a friendly furry face when you first open your eyes. Imagine then opening your eyes to find a perfect golden haired, brown eyed mama dog, at the exact height of the bed so that chin is resting on the mattress and nose is just inches away. Beside her is puppy, too short but standing on hind legs so that large clumsy paws are up over the edge of the bed and triangle shaped nose is pointing upward trying to see. Soda, who has master privileges is already on the bed to the far side, drapes herself over by way of your neck. In a moment I’ve gone from sleep to three faces studying me from just inches away. I laugh out loud as Jack the cat joins too, jumping up and perching on my hip, leaning in like a vulture over a kill. It was a snapshot of time to take it in, then it all disintegrates into laughing, barking, mama snaking her nose closer, Soda steamrolling the rest of the way over and Jack now leaping off as only cats can do, mustering downward force equivalent to a jack hammer. I love to wake up in a good mood laughing. I love having help!

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